(USA) Directed by Greg Marks. Stars Shane West, Ed Burns, Martin Sheen, Ving Rhames and Tamara Feldman. Continuing.

Every once in a while, a film arrives and blows us all away with its sheer dreadfulness. The Conspiracy (or The Echelon Conspiracy as it’s known in the US; perhaps they thought “Echelon” was too big a word for Singaporeans) is one such film. The producers should seriously consider putting out a how-to guide titled Lame Ass Filmmaking 101, because it’s that woeful.

How this didn’t go straight to the pasar malam DVD bargain bin is as equally “mysterious” as the purported plot of this film. It’s the kind film you’d expect a lightweight like Shane West to be in, but Martin Sheen? Jonathan Pryce? Or even Ving Rhames? What a blot this is on their stellar careers.

Max Peterson (West), an IT engineer on a work assignment in Bangkok, becomes puzzled when he receives a package containing a snazzy looking cell phone that begins to send him text messages from an unknown sender. These SMS–es will purportedly save his life and also bring him wealth and good fortune (yeah, right).

Our cool cat then flies to Prague where he cleans up in one of the city’s casinos. Reed (Ed Burns), the head of security at the casino, becomes suspicious and pursues West, who is also pursued by FBI agent Dave Grant (Rhames). They catch the clueless Reed and begin grilling him.

Like, who’s sending the messages? Where is it coming from? Why is he getting it? Well … who cares? The flimsy plot and the hodge-podged, cliché strewn script make this a film full of holes.

During one point in the film, there’s an apt shot of Rhames looking bored and playing Sudoku at his desk; he was on to something … and we should have followed suit. This is an absolute washout in every way (un)imaginable.—1 star by Ramesh William