In honor of the upcoming Youth Olympics, this week’s column is written by Apple, a 15-year-old international school student.

Hello People! OMG, I can’t believe I actually got this writing gig! For I-S’ legendary Page 3, no less. That’s wicked, yo. I mean, if I’m not going to be a supermodel or an air hostess I would probably be, like, this killer writer. So I’m totally uber-excited and will make sure I get like 70 copies of I-S to give to everybody at school…which would be swell as this would the first physical magazine ever read by some of us.
Anyways, and to start with, I probably shouldn’t say anything cuz I’m not, like, an expert or whatever on the “Youth Olympics.” But I Googled it on my whizz-bang Hello Kitty Sony Ericsson (ya lah, the pink one) and was like: No way, get out of town! It’s gonna be in Singapore! Did U even know that? In my excitement, I texted my German teacher, and she went all “spoil market” on me and said that this news was like two years old or something. Get. With. The. Program. I was told.
Anyhoo, another thing I just heard about is “productivity.” Just because it’s always some cranky old dude on TV or whatever who is saying it doesn’t mean that young people shouldn’t care, too. Basically they’re telling us we have 2 “boost it” cuz we don’t have enough of it, or we need 2 “push it” if we wanna be “world-class.”
But what does that mean exactly? OK, there’s the word “product” in there, which everyone knows is, like, a thing that U buy. Duh. So I guess the geezers are telling the foreign factory workers 2 get their asses in gear and make more products, so we can buy more, which I’m happy 2 do if we can get out of class early cuz we’ll need, like, more time 2 shop at Wisma Atria or wherever.
At first my BFFL Muffin thought “productivity” was, like, that thing about trying to have more babies. Hahahaha. That’s so weird that the government has 2, like, TRY 2 get Singaporeans 2 have sex. I mean, what is wrong with these people? Do they all have cooties or something?
But then U know if everyone was having lots of sex, the government would bust people for having too much sex—like I bet they will start doing on chat roulette or whatever, which is fine with me cuz, like, I wanna see some loser perving out with his pants down? Ew! Ew! Ew! I’m not even plugging in my webcam for, like, the next three months. You never know when someone is, like, hacking into your wifi.
So good luck 2 all of our athletes at the Youth Olympics! We should support them so they can win, like, their races or matches or whatever for Singapore. And sometimes we should cheer the other teams, even the Romanians. Let’s all be productive, everybody!